I spoke about another woman in my sleep – and now I’m in a nightmare situation with my wife

DEAR DEIDRE: TALKING in my sleep about another woman has landed me in a nightmare situation with my wife.

She won’t believe I didn’t have an affair, even though I’m totally innocent, and now she’s even using it as an excuse to cheat.

My wife and I are in our late forties, and we have been married for 22 years.

Many years ago, I developed a schoolboy crush on a colleague.

I was going through a stressful time, had restless nights and would sometimes talk in my sleep.

One night, I apparently started talking about this woman and even said I loved her.

My wife was very upset, and I was mortified - but nothing ever happened with this woman.

She was happily married and had no idea I was attracted to her.

More importantly, I never had any intention of cheating on my wife.

I couldn’t control what I said while asleep, but my wife has never let me forget it.

It always comes up if we row, and recently, I discovered she’s been talking to a friend’s ex husband online.

From what I’ve seen, I believe they may even have slept together, although she flatly denies it.

She’s turned it all around on me, saying I pushed her into this situation because of what I said in my sleep years ago.

She claims that since then she’s never fully trusted me or felt she was good enough.

I love my wife, and I know she loves me. We both want to save our marriage but don’t seem to be able to get past this problem we have.

Our sex life has also gone to pot. Neither of us feels comfortable being intimate. Is our marriage doomed?

DEIDRE SAYS: Your wife has never fully forgiven you for talking in your sleep about another woman.

She convinced herself it was evidence of an affair, and seemingly simmered with resentment about it for years.

Now, she’s using it to justify, if not a physical affair, an emotional one.

On one level, she may want to hurt you as you unwittingly hurt her.

But you love each other, so it would be a terrible shame if your marriage were to fail.

You need to communicate better and to try to work through what happened that night, once and for all. But you need professional help to save your marriage.

Please discuss having couple counselling, where you can talk about all your issues in a safe space.

Tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975) can give you more information about this, and see my support packs How Counselling Can Help, as well as Cheating, Can You Get Over It?

THANK YOU FOR HELPING SOLVE MY LANDLORD TROUBLE

DEAR DEIDRE: TRAPPED in my flat because my wheel­chair wouldn’t fit through the front door, I felt helpless and furious.

My social housing landlord refused to make any adaptations, and used a loophole in the law to get around his obligations. I wondered how he could sleep at night.

As a disabled 70-year-old man, I had never written to an agony aunt before. But nobody seemed to be able to help.

You were so kind, and understood how frustrated I felt.

You told me to raise a safeguarding issue with my local authority social services team and to contact Citizens Advice (citizensadvice.org.uk).

Also, you felt it might be worth calling the Disability Law Service (dls.org.uk, 020 7791 9800), a free legal helpline for dis­abled people, their family and carers.

To my surprise, you wrote back a few weeks later to see how I was. I’m so pleased to report that after speaking to the people you recommended, I con­tacted my MP. Everything changed.

My landlord did a U-turn and agreed to the required work.

I’m now independent again and feel so much happier. Thank you.

DEIDRE SAYS: I’m so glad you’ve got your independence back. So often, just knowing who to talk to makes all the difference.

SHOULD I WARN MY ABUSIVE EX’S NEW LOVE TO BEWARE?

DEAR DEIDRE: MY abusive ex-husband almost destroyed me. Now I’m terrified he’ll do the same to his new partner and her child.

It feels like he’s got away with everything, and I want to make sure nobody else suffers like I did.

Should I contact her and tell her the truth, or will she just think that I’m a bitter ex-wife?

I’m 42 and my ex is 44. We have one teenage son who doesn’t see his dad.

Throughout our marriage, my ex was violent, as well as financially and emotionally abusive.

He was charming on the surface and told so many lies, nobody could believe he wasn’t the perfect husband.

And he gaslighted me so much, I started to doubt myself.

For the majority of our 15-year marriage, I cowered in my own home, too scared to say the wrong thing in case it led to a beating.

Eventually, he also started on our son, which was the final straw for me – and why I left.

Now I’ve learned he has moved in with a new woman, who has a young son.

I am certain that he will do the same to her as he did to us – I’m terrified for them and want to protect them.

I’ve tracked this woman down on social media and want to persuade her to leave.

But will she believe me?

DEIDRE SAYS: Your desire to protect this woman and her child is admirable.

But it’s important that you get advice before you do anything rash.

It’s not just that she might not want to listen or believe you – if your ex finds out you’ve contacted his partner, it could be dangerous for her, and you.

Please contact nspcc.org.uk (0808 800 5000).

You could also speak to social services anonymously.

Read my support packs, Worried A Child Is At Risk and Protecting Kids From Abuse, for more information.